Of all the crude jokes and comments I make, and of all the ribbing's I give my friends, when you get right down to it I am a respectful man. I was raised by my father to be that way, and I differ to it. I live off of a weird treat people as you are to be treated system. So when I show a measure of respect to someone, I expect a similar measure back.
Right now I am forced to work as an equal to someone who has no respect for me. I show him respect. I call him sir, and listen carefully as he talks, and consider his opinions. From him I get rude comments, smart ass statements and contempt.
If it was most situations I would know how to deal with it. We both go out side throw a few punches, and may the best man win. Either way we come back with the situation sorted out. But this is work. I can’t do that.
Similarly, I like to think that I am a likable man. I try to be at least. So when I come up on a person who doesn’t like me, I can usually talk my way to a middle ground at least. My last resort is that I just don’t associate with that person. So I am compounded by the problem that I just can’t remove my self from said situation.
Let us add to this one last thing, my biggest hot button. There is nothing in this world that sends me into a blind, red rage faster. This thing has caused me to cut good friends out of my life for ever, or perpetrate violence when normally I am a peaceful man. This thing is superiority. No one is better then me. Period. You may do some things better than me, or make more money than me, or even hold an important title when I am a lowly kitchen supervisor.
When you turn your nose down at me like I am something less than you, it goes right to that part of my brain that tells me to kill you with my large wooden club, take your woman back to may cave, and keep your ear as a trophy.
That’s what I have to fight to keep down every day. I try to talk, I try to compromise, I try to work harder to remove all things to complain about. Yet every time he looks at me I want to latch on to his throat with my teeth tear.
I grew up a very angry young man. It was necessary to survive in Los Angeles really. I fought a lot. Real fights, not kids fucking around. Fights in which one of you are going to the hospital, maybe both of you. So I had to carry this anger as a strength to access when the time came.
When I grew up and made an attempt to be an adult, I had to adjust. Not just had too, but wanted too. All this hate in my heart and I could barley function. I also hated myself for it. So I worked very hard to over come it. So hard in fact I have become the fun loving gentleman I am today.
But when that guy looks at me and demeans me, I am right back in high school with a gang banger coming at me with a crow bar. I just want to strike out. I need to blow off some steam. Bleh…..
Thought of the evening: how do you blow of steam?