Sunday, July 10, 2011

Boiling Point

The last few weeks have been a perpetual pot of bubbling stress. Everyone sees it in me. I am unfocused, slower to laugh, and in dire need of friends and fun. Luckily I have some good friends that rose to the call. They have kept me balanced.
The stress stems from the same three sources most all stress comes from. Work, Wealth, and Women.
Work; I recently received a promotion. It has been a rocky road. In the first week I was promoted with two other gentlemen who were my equal. In that first week the other two proved unmotivated or unskilled. They were both quickly demoted leaving me as the lone kitchen supervisor.
Then a third gentleman was promoted to take some pressure off of me. He proved completely unprepared for supervisory duty. He was quickly demoted. Again leaving me alone to run the kitchen. During this time, I have planned a new menu, spent hours costing it out and, wrote a ton of procedures so that my kitchen could function. Do you have any idea how complicated planning a menu is? Most people think it’s akin to slapping food onto a plate that happens to look and taste good. As the planner, I have to know exactly how much that plate costs to produce.
I will provide and example. A hamburger usually comes with cheese, three pickles, two tomato slices, lettuce, onion, a bun, and a side. I can tell you how much two tomato slices costs. Five cents. Now multiply that by the thirty odd dishes on the menu, you now know step one of creating a working menu. I did the whole process in three days, due to a bizarre and unreasonable deadline from my boss.
On top of this, a new hire, a man I hired I might add, has been a thorn in my side. See my last post for details on how he acts towards me. My boss and I had decided to let this man go. His attitude and dedication were less then stellar. My boss leaned on me hard. He wanted this man out of the kitchen. I argued that we could not loose the staff yet. We didn’t have enough people.
I take my first day off in two and a half weeks, and when I return, the man we were going to fire is now promoted and my equal. The stress mounts. The last week has been an unending torrent of hate, disrespect, and failure.
Wealth; I am not good with money. I hate to save. Who needs it? You can’t take it with you. Why put it in a savings account, when you can take a trip to the coast, go on a date, or any number of reckless diversions. This is causing recent issues, as my job promotion, has come with little to no extra payout. No raise, but a small amount of extra tip money that has not shown itself. I am feeling that I have been had. 
Now to me this isn’t just a job. It’s a passion, a hobby, and my way of life. I was warned in school that people would try to take advantage of that. Use my talents to benefit them and not give me my due. I feel that is happening now. So really this stress point stems from work as well. See a pattern here.
Women; I have made an attempt at a relationship with a few different women as of late. I have had the fortunate fate to meet a few worth while women. Women I could have seen a future with. For one reason or another it doesn’t work out. They prove too distant, or there is someone else, or actual distance; all become a boundary.
It has brought me to a conclusion. I am fighting for the wrong women. I know I am not a good looking man. I know I am over weight. I know sometimes I can be a bit lazy when the opportunity presents itself. I have all manner of quirks and bad habits. Yet when I see a woman I want, I stand up and fight for a chance every time. Because I see something in that woman worth fighting to bring into my life.
I am intelligent, I am skilled and have ambition and a career such as it is. Not bragging too much, but I am a hell of a lover. I am worth fighting for. I have been rejected on some small technicality so much lately that I began to think I wasn’t worth fighting for. But I am. Some day I am going to make some woman a very lucky one. I am going to be a great counterpart. I just have to find her. Hence my stress here. I think I need to take a step back in this one. As much as I don’t want to, I think I need to halt this search until something else gives.

Things progress as always. My stress mounts and I can’t blow it off fast enough. Something has got to give. I am starting to exhibit some classic physical signs of stress too, which is just freaking me out more. It is so bad, that I have two days off in a row, finally, and all I can think of is work, and how to solve those problems.
Who the fuck knows how I am going to resolve this, but I am trying. Managing life, work, and love is getting to be a bit much. I need a good long break.

I had a dream last night while passed out in a drunken stupor on my friends couch. That I sold everything, like everything I owned. I took the five dollars (yeah I know) and packed a frame pack and just walked. Over mountains and streams. I fished for my meals and slept under stars. I walked until I found something; it was something great, that I didn’t know I was looking for. Then, I woke up……

Thought of the day.........Why? Just Why? 

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