Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Time off and Teen Pregnancy

          In the wake of the Springhill Event, I have managed to gain two weeks off before starting my next job. What have I been doing you ask? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. I have been playing video games, writing role playing adventures, and staying up late and sleeping in. I am very excited about my up coming camp out. It will be a glorious, drunken time, hopefully with a healthy amount of debauchery. With any luck a few blogs worth of fun on that.
            Over my time off I managed to catch a few episodes of a show called Teen Mother on MTV. This show is hosted by a great man by the name of Doctor Drew, also known as Drew Pinsky. Most of my friends will know him from the excellent radio show Loveline which he has hosted since I was in high school. It was a favorite of mine. The show Teen Mother was a good show. It dealt with hard issues that teen parents face today and I recommend it.
            It actually made me think over my sexual past and my first thought was how lucky I was to never have had dealt with teen pregnancy. That led me to the idea that, wait, no not lucky, diligent. I always used condoms with a few rare occurrences. That led to the thought, how did I know that? How did I know how to properly use condoms? I took a sex ed class like most kids. Though they focused on abstinence and they didn’t show us (unless my memory fails me, which is possible).
I actually remember a Loveline episode, in which Dr. Drew describes how to use one. I even remember an episode in which he addresses the pill being canceled out by certain antibiotics which saved me a close call or two latter in life. The man has been promoting sexual health and awareness since the early nineties. He has been a huge influence on my sexual identity, as well as my practices and habits. Habits I assure you are all healthy. Well, except that one.
I thought about how much different my experiences could have been had I not gathered the knowledge, comically delivered by Dr. Drew and his side kick, a man named Adam Carola. I can only see experiences that turn negative with out his controversial, blatant talk. I have followed this mans work but fell out with him when he started Celebrity Rehab. Yeah I know I hate reality TV too. It was real good to see him doing informative programming again that gives him a solid place in my memory.

Thought of the evening: What was a defining sexual moment for you? How did it shape future encounters?


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Boiling Point

The last few weeks have been a perpetual pot of bubbling stress. Everyone sees it in me. I am unfocused, slower to laugh, and in dire need of friends and fun. Luckily I have some good friends that rose to the call. They have kept me balanced.
The stress stems from the same three sources most all stress comes from. Work, Wealth, and Women.
Work; I recently received a promotion. It has been a rocky road. In the first week I was promoted with two other gentlemen who were my equal. In that first week the other two proved unmotivated or unskilled. They were both quickly demoted leaving me as the lone kitchen supervisor.
Then a third gentleman was promoted to take some pressure off of me. He proved completely unprepared for supervisory duty. He was quickly demoted. Again leaving me alone to run the kitchen. During this time, I have planned a new menu, spent hours costing it out and, wrote a ton of procedures so that my kitchen could function. Do you have any idea how complicated planning a menu is? Most people think it’s akin to slapping food onto a plate that happens to look and taste good. As the planner, I have to know exactly how much that plate costs to produce.
I will provide and example. A hamburger usually comes with cheese, three pickles, two tomato slices, lettuce, onion, a bun, and a side. I can tell you how much two tomato slices costs. Five cents. Now multiply that by the thirty odd dishes on the menu, you now know step one of creating a working menu. I did the whole process in three days, due to a bizarre and unreasonable deadline from my boss.
On top of this, a new hire, a man I hired I might add, has been a thorn in my side. See my last post for details on how he acts towards me. My boss and I had decided to let this man go. His attitude and dedication were less then stellar. My boss leaned on me hard. He wanted this man out of the kitchen. I argued that we could not loose the staff yet. We didn’t have enough people.
I take my first day off in two and a half weeks, and when I return, the man we were going to fire is now promoted and my equal. The stress mounts. The last week has been an unending torrent of hate, disrespect, and failure.
Wealth; I am not good with money. I hate to save. Who needs it? You can’t take it with you. Why put it in a savings account, when you can take a trip to the coast, go on a date, or any number of reckless diversions. This is causing recent issues, as my job promotion, has come with little to no extra payout. No raise, but a small amount of extra tip money that has not shown itself. I am feeling that I have been had. 
Now to me this isn’t just a job. It’s a passion, a hobby, and my way of life. I was warned in school that people would try to take advantage of that. Use my talents to benefit them and not give me my due. I feel that is happening now. So really this stress point stems from work as well. See a pattern here.
Women; I have made an attempt at a relationship with a few different women as of late. I have had the fortunate fate to meet a few worth while women. Women I could have seen a future with. For one reason or another it doesn’t work out. They prove too distant, or there is someone else, or actual distance; all become a boundary.
It has brought me to a conclusion. I am fighting for the wrong women. I know I am not a good looking man. I know I am over weight. I know sometimes I can be a bit lazy when the opportunity presents itself. I have all manner of quirks and bad habits. Yet when I see a woman I want, I stand up and fight for a chance every time. Because I see something in that woman worth fighting to bring into my life.
I am intelligent, I am skilled and have ambition and a career such as it is. Not bragging too much, but I am a hell of a lover. I am worth fighting for. I have been rejected on some small technicality so much lately that I began to think I wasn’t worth fighting for. But I am. Some day I am going to make some woman a very lucky one. I am going to be a great counterpart. I just have to find her. Hence my stress here. I think I need to take a step back in this one. As much as I don’t want to, I think I need to halt this search until something else gives.

Things progress as always. My stress mounts and I can’t blow it off fast enough. Something has got to give. I am starting to exhibit some classic physical signs of stress too, which is just freaking me out more. It is so bad, that I have two days off in a row, finally, and all I can think of is work, and how to solve those problems.
Who the fuck knows how I am going to resolve this, but I am trying. Managing life, work, and love is getting to be a bit much. I need a good long break.

I had a dream last night while passed out in a drunken stupor on my friends couch. That I sold everything, like everything I owned. I took the five dollars (yeah I know) and packed a frame pack and just walked. Over mountains and streams. I fished for my meals and slept under stars. I walked until I found something; it was something great, that I didn’t know I was looking for. Then, I woke up……

Thought of the day.........Why? Just Why? 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Just a little bit.....

            Of all the crude jokes and comments I make, and of all the ribbing's I give my friends, when you get right down to it I am a respectful man. I was raised by my father to be that way, and I differ to it. I live off of a weird treat people as you are to be treated system. So when I show a measure of respect to someone, I expect a similar measure back.
            Right now I am forced to work as an equal to someone who has no respect for me. I show him respect. I call him sir, and listen carefully as he talks, and consider his opinions. From him I get rude comments, smart ass statements and contempt.
            If it was most situations I would know how to deal with it. We both go out side throw a few punches, and may the best man win. Either way we come back with the situation sorted out. But this is work. I can’t do that.
            Similarly, I like to think that I am a likable man. I try to be at least. So when I come up on a person who doesn’t like me, I can usually talk my way to a middle ground at least. My last resort is that I just don’t associate with that person. So I am compounded by the problem that I just can’t remove my self from said situation.
            Let us add to this one last thing, my biggest hot button. There is nothing in this world that sends me into a blind, red rage faster. This thing has caused me to cut good friends out of my life for ever, or perpetrate violence when normally I am a peaceful man. This thing is superiority. No one is better then me. Period. You may do some things better than me, or make more money than me, or even hold an important title when I am a lowly kitchen supervisor.
            When you turn your nose down at me like I am something less than you, it goes right to that part of my brain that tells me to kill you with my large wooden club, take your woman back to may cave, and keep your ear as a trophy.
            That’s what I have to fight to keep down every day. I try to talk, I try to compromise, I try to work harder to remove all things to complain about. Yet every time he looks at me I want to latch on to his throat with my teeth tear.
            I grew up a very angry young man. It was necessary to survive in Los Angeles really. I fought a lot. Real fights, not kids fucking around. Fights in which one of you are going to the hospital, maybe both of you. So I had to carry this anger as a strength to access when the time came.
            When I grew up and made an attempt to be an adult, I had to adjust. Not just had too, but wanted too. All this hate in my heart and I could barley function. I also hated myself for it. So I worked very hard to over come it. So hard in fact I have become the fun loving gentleman I am today.
            But when that guy looks at me and demeans me, I am right back in high school with a gang banger coming at me with a crow bar. I just want to strike out. I need to blow off some steam. Bleh…..

            Thought of the evening: how do you blow of steam?    

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

An introduction/ and a miracle

     For all those who don't know me, my name is Damon. I am a thirty year old chef living in the Willamette Valley of Oregon. I have started this blog as two parts therapy, one part creative outlet.
     This blog will include, but not be limited to; My professional life such as it is, rantings about my surroundings, my romantic life, train wreck that it is, or any other god damned thing I feel like writing. I hope you enjoy some of the things I write as it appeals to my sense of narcissism, and unending quest for self glorification.  I will update it as often as I can, I am promising two updates a week at first until I figure out if this whole blogging thing is for me.
       A note: when I use names, as I know I am bound to do, names shall be changed to protect those whom might not want their shit spilled. I will try to leave you with a thought at the end of each post as well, just because I like to make people think.

So the introduction is over now time for a miracle.

     I got to see a miracle occur yesterday. Two people, whom love each other more than they love themselves, came together and got married. I have got to see these two interact for some five years, I have come to love these two people. They have had some extreme challenges on their journey.
     The miracle is not that they overcame adversity to come together, as every couple has to deal with that. The miracle is that it is two people that are clearly meant to be together, actually finding each other, and recognizing the bond.
     This is indeed a miracle, and it could not have happened to more deserving people. Too see this miracle gives me hope for my situation in the future.
       The party was awesome too, as was expected by these two. I got to connect and reconnect with great people, and had my first swing dance......with the groom. It was hot. Very hot. I even had a little bit of romance.
     The whole event made me feel connected in a way I have not felt in a while. I sometimes forget that I have built up a circle of great people that are as dear to me as family. I must make a greater effort to keep these people in my life.

     Thought of the evening: Connection, what does it mean to you?